I’ve always wanted a large family. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamt of a large close-knit family. I loved the idea of having 3-4 kids; I’ve always wanted them close in age as well so that they will have a strong bond. I dreamt of creating family traditions.
But my health won’t let me. Okay… okay… maybe my health didn’t NOT let me. It didn’t necessary tell me “No, Chelle. You cannot have more children!” but it sure does feel like it sometimes. I’ve been sick so many times over the years – I don’t want my children to experience that.
I hope that my chronic headaches and migraines don’t pass on. It was horrible going to work and school with that! I’d spend an entire day at school with my head on the desk with a blanket on top of me. The aura was horrible… light flashes, random shapes… pounding in your ears… – it’s like a dark tunnel where you just keep falling. Those days when you would hope that sleep would take all the pain away, just to be awaken by the same thunderous pain.
What I worry most about is my skin condition. It’s a really bad form of eczema that causes me so much pain. I cannot do my ADLs (activities of daily living) without pain. The most simple of things cause me pain. Eating, smiling and laughing causes the lesions around my mouth to rip. Walking can rip the lesions on the back of my legs if I forget to be careful and take too large of a step. Sitting causes me pain because I’m sitting on open lesions on the back of my legs. My lesions are painful and itchy and they bleed. My face stings constantly as if a winter breeze is hitting my face. I require a “Dermatologist approved” everything. I have special shampoo, conditioner, soap, cream that I have to use. If I use something else that my dermatologist hasn’t recommended, it would cause my skin to dry up so quick.
I have a large make-up bag full of my prescription medications. I have come to accept that my life will have endless medications that I need to take.
Even if I want a large family, I cannot risk my illness passing onto my children. I don’t want my children to suffer the way I do. Since I had Riley when I was young, I wasn’t really thinking about these things. But now, I see him with eczema and suffering from asthma attacks… I feel bad. It just makes me sad. I’m hoping that if I had to pass an illness onto him… that it is only those two.
So now when my ovaries are telling me that they want another child, I borrow my godson. He’s less than one year old! I miss that stage. They’re so cute when they’re asleep; such angels.
Riley has been asking to have a sibling for years now. He has cousins on his dad’s side who all have siblings. He’s great with kids too! Children just seem to warm up to him really fast. So deep down, it makes me extremely sad that I can’t give him a sibling. He would be such a great big brother!!! Riley is now 12 so the having-children-close-in-age is now out the window.
Over the years, I think he started to realize that mom doesn’t feel well. That mom is always sick. Either that or he just enjoys being the only child in the family… even my extended family because just last month he told me that he no longer wants a sibling.